| | Current Music: | iForward Russia! - eighteen | | Current Location: | On my computer | | Time: | 11:56 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/angry.gif) cranky |
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| | I just dont know what to do. Why can things be simple and work themselves out? Why am i gonna look like a bitch whatever i do? | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment   |
| When you try your best
but you don't succeed
When you get what you want
but not what you need
When you feel so tired
but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone
but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
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| | Current Music: | Silence | | Time: | 12:18 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/sad.gif) crushed |
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Nothing ever goes right for me, why cant life be like the fairytales are? Why do I need someone to look after me? Why is that gap not filled? Why do things take so long? Why are there couples everywhere I go? Why is there heartbreak everywhere I go? Why are things not simple? Why does it feel like my life is slipping away? Why is it money that has to make the world go around? Why am I so anti social? Why do I always feel sorry for myself? Why do I cry so fucking much? Why is it that I always want what you can not have? Why am I so naive? Why am I getting jealous lately? Why am I knob head? Why do I let people walk over me? Why do I not give people a chance? Why am I a coward? Why do I get annoyed so easily? Why do I take lots of thing for granted? Why do I act like a spoilt brat? Why can’t I find someone who will treat me right? Why do I live in the past? Why do I spill out my emotions on a diary that people can read? Why do I swear so much? What shall I do with my life? Why do I make stupid mistakes? Why do I lead people on? Why do I piss people off? Why do I always leave early? Why am I not focused? Why do I get rejected?
Why am I a moaning, selfish, sensitive, pessimistic, bitch? | | comments: Leave a comment |
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I have just realised I am a knob, I have like nearly lost my oldest friends. I miss them so much, we used to go out together all the time we would always have something planned for the weekend that we all would do. Well this had made me think about my situation now, I actually have no friends I can go out with on a regular basis.
Don't get me wrong I do have the greatest friends now who i love so much, but we just don't all seem to go out together very often. I had a fucking busier social life in school. I stay in so much now I hate it all I do is eat when I stay in. Like the majority of college friends come from the same school and they all know each other and i just feel like a tag along. This is like the 4th Friday I have stayed in, in the space of 2 months.
I know I can't just expect a phone call inviting me out, but I do not like ringing up people asking can I go out with them, I get paranoid that when they put the phone down they are like “shit Jenns coming out”
This really is not a dig at anyone, I know with like Li-An, Charlotte and Kristy it the fact i am not 18 that is really stopping me from going out with them. Which i really understand, its just that I thought I had made friends that like me and would wan my company. But I guess not
Sorry if I am being over dramatic
Oh one more thing i need to get off my chest, something that really upset me, a few weeks ago someone told someone they liked me and the person they told, told them something that happened in the past. Is that person trying to turn people off me? Do they not want me to be happy? I can’t believe them of all people would bring that up. It really upset me to hear that they said it. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Pretty Girls make Graves | | Subject: | Long time no see | | Time: | 11:11 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/nerdy.gif) geeky |
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Well hello, I have not been on here in ages! What’s happened to me since I last updated em........nothing much; I am back at college after the lovely three week break. It is the shittist thing In the world, I really do not want to go back next year, and I wish I had thought about moving colleges earlier. There is like no one left 4 of my best friends have gone how upsetting, I still have Heidi which helps a lot I so hope she will see it through to the end with me. Don't get me wrong there are people there that are great but it will never be the same! This proved to me I don’t like change. That’s college now work, well its work! There was a casting call last Wednesday and 17 new people have been hired, I really wonder what they are like, I would hate it and I know a few people that would also hate it and that is if some girls come and get on really well with people like Pete, Paul and a few others but I realise that’s just one of the downsides of being a girl the jealousy you experience when new girls come into your space.
I must say I have been a lot happier recently, touch wood it stays that way.
I am really going to miss those that have left College for what ever reason, people like Raab, Sean, Ross Miller and of course my girlies that includes Charlotte Waters. That’s not all the people I will miss but hey I have wrote top much already and I really should stop. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now - THe Smiths | | Subject: | Happy Happy Happy | | Time: | 02:56 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/happy.gif) Very Happy |
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| | I am really happy and i love it, the only thing that is making me a bit sad is the lack of money i have but every thing is good. I love my friends so much, even those i rarely see..i still love you all. I love the fact i am getting my hair done on thrusday, I love that i finish college on friday for 3 weeks. I have no major worries *touch wood*. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Kasabian - Processed beats | | Subject: | la la la la la | | Time: | 10:57 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/confused.gif) curious |
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| | Well erm don't really know what to write now i have got in from work i finshed early i should really still be there now but the let me go!! I have not actually come on here to moan, the thing that was on my mind has now been resolved which i have really great friends to thank for there help. Also i have spent loads of time with my little work charlotte and its been really nice as next wednesday we have known each other for exactly a year.I hope everything work out with her and a certain man friend. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Razorlight Live | | Time: | 06:27 pm | | Current Mood: | lonely |
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My fingers are really cold, I am finding it quite hard to actually type so I am going to have to keep this one short. I’m listening to the Razorlight gig I went to on the radio; it was amazing Johnny is just...well I can’t find the words. I sent a really strange and random email to Jon last night I don't know why I did it, I guess I just still like him and I don't want him to forget about me. I want to move on as I have done the whole waiting around thing before and I just end up feeling worse. But a few things are stopping me,
What if he regrets his decision and want to get back together,
What will he think of me if I do move on,
There is not really anyone else I like,
And if I did like someone I would have no confidence in approaching them
I don’t get satisfied by going round getting on lots of people
I always seam to find faults in people so I don’t think I will find anyone.
So I am basically fucked I wish I had confidence, I really don’t I have never had the level of confidence that I have now and that is not even a lot. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | i listening to fucking nothing | | Subject: | FUCKING BASTARDS | | Time: | 08:13 pm | | Current Mood: | depressed |
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| | I am the biggest fucking mug in the world i hate myself at this moment in time. This week contends for the worst one in my life. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I have just been off college as I have a really bad headache, I feel so bad. I have just got off the phone to a friend and had to tell her something I didn't want to have to. I would have preferred the other person to have told her. I don't want her to be pissed of with me for telling her.
So last week was really good it was mine and charlottes birthdays and on the Wednesday we went to the Alex in Southend and the night started off with me and Kristy hiding! I had such a good time I saw charlotte drunk for the first time I think and it was quite funny, she enjoyed herself which was a good thing. I sorted things out with Li-an, as I thought that she didn't like me no more but it’s all good now, I have missed her. I am also no longer single I just hope it lasts, I got hardly any sleep as I shared a bed with Li-an and charlotte and I was the one next to the boiling radiator!!
Then on Thursday night I had my sleepover all the girls came Kristy, Charlotte Li-an and Heidi. It was so good to all be together, we had such a laugh and I found out some strange things about Heidi!! We had birthday cake (thanks to charlotte) and party poppers. We also listened to a Disney CD which Li-an had got charlotte it was really good.
I went to the skate park on Friday morning with people from college and it was the first time I had seen Dan since he had left college. It was nice to see him again but he has a cheek to cain my laugh. I had left my purse over the skate park and wasn't reunited with it till the end of college I was starving.
That night I stayed round Jon’s it was nice, I did a really big shot of tequila and I didn't get sick or anything I was really proud. Matt and James were there to, it was quite funny, we watch Bill Baily he is one funny man.
I went to Jon’s again on Saturday night but he seemed really distant I asked him what was wrong but he said he was tired but it felt like more than that was up and now I am quite paranoid!!
And now well I am just sick I hate it and I have a 1200 word report thing to do for media which I have to give in for media. Why do I have to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Talkshow host - Radio head | | Subject: | Oh what a night | | Time: | 09:47 pm | | Current Mood: | calm |
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| | Well I never thought it was possible to cry every day for 8 days but I am living proof that it is. But I hope thing are going to get better, i am on top of all my work at college (touch wood) and i have the best friends ever known to mankind.
I have also booked a hair appointment for next Friday, this will be the first time i have got my hair cut since October that is a fucking long time. Its just now that finally i have the money to spare , I can spend it on Luxuries for myself, and getting my hair cut always makes me feel better, it must be the shampoo they use!!
I am having a girly sleepover for my birthday, i actually quite excited i have the best guest list Me Charlotte Li-an Kristy and Heidi, i hope Heidi can come as she hasn't got back to me on it. I am going to get films, popcorn, ice cream all the ingredients that make a sleepover.
I am still upset about Jon, he said that there is still a chance but he may be going to university in September and that doesn't leave a lot of time, he really is one amazing person. I just wish that something would happen soon, i now its selfish of me as he is having a hard time at the moment and needs to sort his head out but i really like him!!
I just finished making Charlottes birthday card it took me close to 2 hours to make i did have lots of fun making it though i felt like i was on Art Attack!! I have no decided that i may make all the birthday cards i have to give. It not because i want to be cheap but it’s because it’s a lot of fun and as cheesy as it sounds it’s the thought that counts!!
I watched my brothers band play on Friday and it was the best i have ever seen them play, i know that i am going to be biased because it’s my brother but i did really like them. They played at the wooden hut, and do you no what’s amazing it is actually a two story hut made out of wood, they really have to be careful in case of fires!!
Charlotte brought along her friend Mike he was pretty cool, i couldn't believe he was 17 though he looked bout 20!! But when we were left alone i didn’t no what to say, it really was an awkward silence. Kristy and Ross came to they really are a perfect couple i really want to have what they have. It really is amazing!!
Well i am have to finish this off now as i am going to watch 100 things they tried to ban, its on channel 4, i cant wait. Sad i know but i don't watch too much TV. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Everything will be alright - The Killers | | Subject: | Sleep | | Time: | 07:23 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/silly.gif) weird |
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| Another day off college, and to sleep that is all I seem to do now, I guess I just feel that whilst I am asleep I don't think about things and it stops me from getting upset. It’s just so hard not to, a lot of things are playing on my mind at the moment and i really need to sort them out. So i have decided to sit and wait, not to move on which is what i should do. I know if i did move on i would constantly be thinking WHAT IF???
I also miss a good friend, it’s upsetting me to, and I know that I haven’t made a ton of effort to keep in contact which I really regret now. All i can say is the patio is empty without her.
I have just come back from America and to be honest i wish i was still there the only problems i faced was, where are we going to go? and how do we get back to the hotel?? I must say it’s not all i expected it to be, it wasn't all glamorous but no where is. I would so love to move out there, but i no i couldn't as i don't like change and i hate missing people.
The O.C is on tonight, i am a bit pissed off i have missed the previous two episode!!! but whilst in America i walked in to my room and the person i was sharing the room with was watching it, and in America there a few episodes ahead, what i saw i knew i was just going to cry!! Oh how i love that program. I have lent my box set to Charlotte and i must say i am really missing it, i can no longer sit and escape to it at my leisure.
I am 17 in 13 days, i am hopefully going to get driving lessons, i just keep thinking of the freedom. My birthday has got me thinking last year i spent it with my longest, closest and best friends, but now a year later we don't speak as much, it’s just a passing hello in the corridor. I hate it as i have some of them for 15 years i hate the fact we are drifting apart. Don't get me wrong i have made some amazing friends who i consider to be my best, but as i have said i am not very good with change. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Indie rock and Roll - The Killers | | Subject: | Dont really know?? | | Time: | 07:19 pm | | Current Mood: | calm |
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| Its crazy i only feel the need to write on this when i feel like shit, but i must admit it makes me feel a tad better. Fucking hell the lives of teenagers is completely shit, i really wish i could go back to the age of 5 when money wasnt a problem, fucking boys werent a problem come on when i was 5 you hated boys they had the lergy.
I have finally worked out the point in which i started to feel like shit, and it was when i had my tarrot cards read. never having that done again. But i have realised i have the bestsest ever friends as they have helped me. But i really dont want to sound selfish but friends cant fill that whole gap. I want to be treated right, spoilt, basically i really want someone. Its coming up to valentines day i really dont want it to be the 16th year were i recive nothing and am alone.
Jesus i am constanly moaning sorry! i really need to snap out of it. But i do think things are starting to look better for me, wont say how or why because don't want to jynx anything!!! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Well after yeterday i am feeling much better i needed to get all that out and i am glad i did. It wasnt there to make anyone feel bad in the slightest.
Merry Christmas, better late than never.
XxXxXxxXxXXxXxXXxXxXXxXx | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Waterloo Sunset, David Bowie | | Time: | 07:33 pm | | Current Mood: | confused |
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| Its Christmas Day and im really not happy i really dont know why im feeling like such shit, i normally wake at about three in the morning to run down stairs and open my presents, well today i had to be woken at twelve i loved all my presents but still didnt make me happy. Its like 7 and i have cried sbout five times in my room, i have been unsociable sitting in my room watching the O.C, which i got for christmas. Could it be the fact that i wasnt aloud to get the ipod i wanted for christmas, which is really selfish and ungrateful of me. But i convinced my mum not to get my younger brother something which cost over 200pound as i wasnt aloud an ipod. How crule is that he has had like one the worst years ever, being hospital getting bullied and i in a way ruined what could have been great present. My older brothers girlfriend came round and they were swapping presents i had to leave the room as i was jealouse they were acting so couplely. Its just that i want that but i cant find the right person i have been loking such a long time, and when i found him he chose someone else. That is just my fucking luck. This past 4 months have been the most fucked up time ever, i have made so many close friends and learnt so much but i havent cried this much ever. Look im such a loser im crying whilst writing this, many reasons for it, a song is playing that means alot to me (friday im in love, The Cure) and i am actually letting my feelings out. Which is very rare for me. I cant wait for the new year as i actually belive that i can just start againg but its not going to be that easy. Why cant i just get past this stage im in of fancing everyone. I know im only doing it to fill a gap that has been left by someone and im acting like a nob as im leading people on, i think i like them, then i let them know and then just like that i change my mind and then i find someone else. Like at the moment i txtin someone from work who about 5, 6 months ago i liked an never ever believed they would like me, but they told me that they liked me when i was with someone and i obviously turned them down because it was to late and i had moved on to a better person, but the other day i told him i really liked him. Only because he thought i was only txting him because he had a car and i felt bad so i thought by saying that i liked him would make it right. Why am i so fucked in the head. Another person i lead on, which i feel like complete c*** (not actually going to rite the word as i hate it but i really mean it) for, is one the nicest people i know, he is such a darling and used him to fill that gap (but pissed someone off in the process who i apolguies to). But now we just friends and i am am glad as it was he who suddgested it and i agree with him. But why am i acting like this super bitch. I have so much emotion inside me that i need to get out but really cant. The amount of crying i have done still hasnt helped. Why cant my life be like something out of the t.v they have there problemes but they are solved within the end of the program.
christmas is the worste time to be alone.
I didthis quiz and it is scary how true the answer at the end came out,
FROZEN QUEEN/ KING You dont want love to come through to you. You like it the way you are. To be unreachable, no need to show feelings. Hiding everything inside you. You are already used to it. You say yourself that you dont need anyone, that you stand on your own two feet or that you dont have time for these things. But in reality you are scared to get hurt. You feel save where you are: by yourself, nobody can hurt you there. You invent your own relationship in your dreams. You just need to know that you COULD get a partner. Thats it. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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